A Reflection on My First Hiatus (September 2, 2026)

Playlist for while you read*, courtesy of me
*optional, but if yr an s-type who wants to play along, it's mandatory. 

_{earthsignchels - already won
Lil nas x - SWISH 
Kendrick Lamar - man in the garden 
Natalie Nunn - Doin’ what I want 
MCR-T, HorsegiirL - My Barn My Rules
LustSickPuppy - RIDE IT 
Aliyah’s Interlude - Moodboard
Remy Ma - Conceited (There’s Something About Remy) 
Beyonce - ALIEN SUPERSTAR 
Megan Thee Stallion - Gift & A Curse 
Bimini - IF YOU GET IT YOU GET IT
Doechii, JT - Alter Ego
Colette March - FRANCO 
Ice Spice - Baddie Baddie 
Baby Tate, Flo Milli - I Am 
Maiya The Don - Telfy 
earthsignchels - already won (yes, it is here twice, on purpose)}

On the day after Christmas of 2025, I announced my first ever intentional hiatus. This choice came after years of known burnout and months of discussion and deliberation with my therapist and loved ones about the necessity of a hiatus, and the appropriate length of such. It’s August of 2026 now, just a handful of months until we arrive at the one year mark of my announcement, and I am now planning my return to work, and a part of this return is an open reflection on the things I learned during this hiatus, and what has changed as a result of this knowledge. 

I’m going to admit something that might burst some bubbles or shatter some expectations right out of the gate – the six or seven (lol) months I spent not hustling at my typical caliber of performance has not resulted in a rejuvenated, energized self that is eager to get back to the grind. So yeah, unfortunately, I am still burned the fuck out. My sleep still sucks. My creative drive and ambition hasn't returned fully, nor has my previously endlessly expansive imagination opened its doors back up to me. Sucks, I know. But I did learn some things from this unfortunate result, things that will affect how I operate as a human being, otherworldly entity and erotic laborer that will make the conditions for actually getting out of burnout possible for me someday. 

I guess someone might normally call this a ‘rebrand’ but as someone who has rebranded before, this does not feel like a rebranding as much as a resolution of what the ‘brand’ and creator that is Lilith Void (Lilith Is Fat, Mother Void, Mommy Lilith, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera) actually consists of and represents. If that doesn't make sense, don’t worry, I'm going to explain further. 

Having been around for a decade means I’ve changed a lot as I have evolved as a worker and creator and artist and person. Along with making my workflow more consistent, stable, organized and polished, I have ramped up the quantity of my productions in an attempt to give myself the highest chance of success to land on the pages of people who will pay for my labor. Taking a break from this work and the type of compartmentalization involved in seeing myself as a sellable entity with a purpose to optimize my algorithmic allure has sharpened my perspective of what exactly this kind of labor sincerely costs me beyond the energy or time. 

Overexplaining , overscrutinizing, overworking, overthinking is my natural state of being. What I have accomplished in my time is tremendous, and that is without accounting for the circumstances I accomplished these things while enduring. My effort to avoid comparing my accomplishments with that of my peers for the sake of my mental health was a very sound choice, but it did, however, create a genuine void in my knowledge that manifested in me maximizing my effort for what I was not aware was very minimal reward. Not knowing didn’t make it easier. Because of the way society is set up, there is simply nothing that consistently reinforces my value except for myself, so I essentially put myself in a reinforcing system of devaluing my work, convinced by certain powers that be that I was being sound and smart.  

I wrote a personal essay a while ago largely about my burnout, in it I reflect on the ways that being a hard worker who asks for as little as possible and earns every little thing I am given was coded into my nervous system, into my body, and the ways that this coding factually (yeah, i like cite sources and back up my shit with studied evidence) works to shorten my lifespan. What I didn't really get into with that essay is the specific ways that working in an erotic field and having my sensual labor extracted from me while being rewarded with consistent (but comparatively very little, which I know now, but was kept from learning for my ‘own good’) support for overworking and overextending myself actually changed me. 

I didn’t get into it because I didn’t think that was really something I could get into at that time while I was still actively working, and it was a good choice, because getting into the weeds of that might have sent me into a tailspin of thoughts I wasn't really prepared to deal with at that time in any way that would have actually helped. I now understand, through my temporary suspension of my intense work ethic, that I have been somewhat hollowed out by it. I am capable of so much, I possess so many skills, but my humanity has been reduced by the demands of the algorithm that demands I have the ability to become anyone [subject of arousal] to be seen as anyone [subject of humanity] at all. 

There is an alternative pathway of becoming radically and wholeheartedly who we are and what we desire ourselves to be. This path is often a deeply successful one but it is not algorithmically favored, nor a space one can occupy for long periods of time if financial consistency is necessary on a scale where one cannot just wait for their own special audience who values their special individuality to find them, or in this case – to find me. Being special does not sell right away, what does is a passable performance of any archetypical fantasy. I am making a choice, after all this reflection, to continue on a path of authenticity of self. To fill back up the spaces that have been hollowed out by algorithmically favored performance. It should sound tragic to you, no matter who you are, or whatever reason you consume the work of erotic creators, that zeros and ones get to shape the creative output of passionate, unique and most importantly, very human artists. 

I do not have to do things the same way anymore. I don't have to be everyone, or anyone whenever they are needed. I have found some bits of the audience who see beyond the brand and will stick around for the human, but I am ready to find the rest of the audience for me, now that my frontal lobe is developed and my 20’s are coming to a close. I can say I am at a place where the ground I am standing on is solid enough to go up, up, up, up. It has entered Virgo season at the end of August by the time I am publishing this work and that means there is less than one month until I enter the very last year of my 20’s. Thank you, universe. I am becoming so much more with every rotation around our beautiful sun. 

In the ways I haven't been allowed or allowed myself I'm gonna do the things I want and I am going to chase desire and pleasure. Yes, even in this work, and I will find more of the people who recognize my gifts and love to pay me for them. There are things I love and I find immense pleasure in doing, creating, discussing. There is another way because I am making one now, no longer worried about remaining palatable to a faceless algorithmic mass.  I believe that making me happy brings a lot of people pleasure, and the more I enjoy my life, the more I will find others who will find more pleasure in their own lives and bodies and in turn seek to create ways to bring more joy and pleasure to me. 

It is important to me that anyone and everyone reading this understands that this is not a ‘rebrand’, because I am not introducing you to another character.  This is not an act, this is not a show, an alter ego. I have changed and I no longer have the capacity to act as an interested party to that which does not sincerely enrich me, enliven me, invite me into joy, pleasure, life. 

My thing is this – I could always be somewhere learning. Which is what I love to do more than anything. Is there something you can teach me? It doesn't have to be a skill. It could be a feeling. But one way or another, I want my choices to lead to learning. With time, with money, with pleasure, with leisure, with experience. 

I have a passport but I have never been outside of my country of origin. I am 28 [soon to be 29] years old and have never owned a brand new computer. My car is 34 years old, and I love her with all my heart, because she is the most reliable car I have ever had in my life. I have never been to a spa. I want these things to change, in one way or another. I want a new narrative to be mine. One that sincerely aligns with the way I see myself, the way I envision my future, the potential and value I know that I possess right in this moment. I must insist against the universal narrative that places my overwork and undervaluing as the natural order, because that is the only way it will come true. I will not accept a life I don’t deserve. 

In the narrative I exist in that I am now demanding for myself, there is eroticism present in everything that involves my presence. It is erotic in and of itself to be let into any piece of my life, my creations and ESPECIALLY my body, which is such an incredible thing, not because of what it looks like, but because of all it has been able to do for me, and all the joy and pleasure it has brought to me and others, all the meaning I have found in it, and all the meaning it has helped others find in their own. 

I have been taught (from many sources) that deciding something about myself inherently decides something about other people. I am not allowed to treat myself like a princess, because what does that say about the others? Does everyone else become a peasant in my story??? What does it say about others, or the way I see the world, that I believe I deserve to be treated well, to know what it is to be sincerely supported, relaxed, pleasured, desired, known, appreciated and even spoiled? My answer is this, and firmly – it doesn't say shit about what I believe others deserve, or how I see the world. I am no longer going to keep myself from growth and pleasure to make sure that the world and the people in it do not punish me for demanding more than they believe I do, because they think it means I am saying they deserve less. There is a difference between what I have been taught to do and humility. 

I have felt a constant sense of being relentlessly pursued my entire life. Pursued for my body, my thoughts, my being in general. People desire access to me, not necessarily exclusively for my skills or gifts, or what I can do, but oftentimes just me. I run from this desire, from those who desire me, largely because of the assumption that I am pursued in order to be of service in some way. Even if that service is just ‘being’ the me that whoever is pursuing me, sees me as at the time, which could be any of the forms I have successfully assumed throughout my years of learning to assimilate for safety and resources (this is redundant to me as resources do equate to my safety in one way or another but I want to be clear anyways) I am seeing things differently now. I want to be desired, and I want people to desire me, but I want to know why and I want to know what they have to offer me for this access, to my expression of self and being and I don’t see this as being cruel and transactional anymore, because that has also led to me allowing access to the all that is me for nothing, being convinced that asking for anything makes me uniquely asocial and repugnant. I straight up do not believe that anymore, and if you are put off by me wanting to be surrounded by people on any and all levels that actually give a shit about me living the kind of life I want to be living (as I want for everyone in turn) I am completely okay with that, as I mentioned in the start of this,  I know I am looking for a very niche and unique set of people but I am ready to find them, and they are what I have room for, since they will be what has room for all that I am and desire.  

I love being me. I have a unique perspective, and am constantly engaged in conversation with myself and the world around me. If I could be in school without having to take math classes, I would be enrolled in school right now because I just love learning that much. I’m so grateful for the internet largely because it gives me such direct access to so much knowledge. I have seen the ways that my experience of self and my commitment to the pursuit of knowledge and perspective and my own most honest self has led others to stepping into more free, honest versions of themselves who lead with curiosity, who never turn back.  I don't think it's being full of myself to consider that a gift, to consider allowing people access to this self that I have suffered so much to become and to stay, a privilege. I think we would have more sincerely kind, passionate, inclusive, consistent and imaginative people in the world if more of us were taught to consider the selves that we inhabit as something worth protecting, and a part of that is by discerning who deserves access to the being you are, and continue to cultivate, and want to protect. 

I think a lot of myself, but I do not, on any level, see myself as a conceited, self centered person. I do not believe that I have even begun to uncover the depths of magic I can create that will find me even more in love with myself than I am now. I am, at this point, almost exclusively interested in putting my energy and time and focus into things, people, projects and other things that sincerely reflect the value that I see in myself, back to me. I want these things to reflect that value back to me in their treatment, making what is largely intangible and societally denied (the concept that someone like me has value), both accepted, natural and tangible. I want to engage in the things I love with people who understand what it means to have a part in both accessing and contributing to my joy and freedom, on a larger level, as an act of rebellion in a society that demands I ask for less, and implicitly, that you give me less, and on an individual level, simply seeing the value in me and my art and magic a sincere, human way.

Going back to a more professional and less personal level, every single online platform I utilize has begun to encourage a focus on analytics, beefing up their UI with constant reminders of our lack of performance, reminders for us to consider doing more. Just another thing on top of all of the other things that reinforce if I am not valued, it is because I am not making things of value, or enough of them. I am being encouraged, even by the machines, to sacrifice as much of myself as possible while also asking me to pretend I am not burned out specifically because the machines (with their new algorithmically generated pricing structures), and society at large, has made it that way by making the rewards I receive wildly disproportionate to my level of work. I am meant to both work harder until I cannot work any harder, and never ever say a thing about it, because there is only myself to blame. The machines tell me directly it is my fault and give me all the tools to monitor the numbers that explain how, but no sincerely concrete information on how their algorithms really work, what exactly the machines want and need to tell me I did enough. So instead the machines tell me I am free to work, I mean create…create as much or as little as I want, and it's all up to me how much or little I make. They’ve done their job, it’s just up to me to do mine now. If I succeed or fail, it's up to me. I just have to make more and more, and more and more and more and more, and more and more, and a little more and little more and more. And then more. The websites never say this, but it is what’s between every line, every new UI update that tells me my percentages and scrutinizes the last ten seconds of performance against the ten before that. 

I'm quitting that game. I used to pay anywhere from $50-$100 a month for services to send DMCA takedown requests to websites ripping my shit. $50-$100 a month on takedown services (that would often not work, with websites keeping my shit up anyways) to wrangle my work from the free websites stealing the porn I was making available for purchase for $3, on websites I was taking in $100-$250 a month on, before taxes. There is simply too much in this world being made obvious to me that it sees me as abjectly unworthy of a freedom that does not rely on service and providing and entertaining. So many years of labor were stolen so flippantly when I could have been given a mere $3 (that I would have really appreciated, by the way) for it to be more ethically received, but that option wasn't cheap enough for so many people. That should have signaled to me a long time ago that I will never get what I deserve from this world, from the people in it, if I do not demand it. Lowering the price only makes others negotiate it down further. I am done playing that game. 

Recently my girlfriend bought me a membership to a local member-funded movie theatre and I went to see a film there this past weekend. We went to a matinee and were out of the film by 12:30pm. I spent most of the rest of the day writing about the film, taking a couple hours toward the end of the night to rapid fire type down all of the feelings I was having. I finished my writing the next morning and I published it. The end of the review was a long reflection on my sense of urgency or stagnation when it comes to publishing writing, as things feel so final, and I fear not getting all my thoughts out, and that fear often leads to hesitation that leads to total inaction. I didn't talk about it in that piece, because there were other feelings coming up for me at that time, but now I think a lot of that simultaneous urgency and hesitance/stagnation response is because of the way I have been convinced that work that doesn't lead to a certain type of tangible reward isn’t really a valuable way to spend my time. The fucked up and hilarious part of that is that sure, it might not be ‘worth’ my time in the sense that I am not getting paid to write my review, nor to share it with the world but that ‘worth’ isn’t actually determined by anyone but myself. Society has set the tone and written the rules that have been etched into my nervous system, but its reality is determined by what I allow and what I do not. I have successfully recognized the necessity of resisting this conditioning, so I can live a longer life, so I can live a life at all that is not charted by sheer necessity. I am ready to find and be found by those just as eager to resist their own societally reinforced narratives and reflect my beauty and our freedom back to me through passionate and honest (and yea, erotic) action. 

Alright, that's all I've got to say for now. I recognize this is not very formal, but hey, it’s an announcement that I am coming back to work, so that means you can anticipate that I will be posting more consistently about all things surrounding my art and work, so you’ll hear from me soon. You know what to do if you want to hear from me sooner. If you don’t? Read this essay again, sweets <3 

Xoxo, 

Lilith Void [No Longer Your, or anyones Mommy]